Q. Why is Bill Clinton so reluctant to deal with the fate of the young Cuban boy??
A. Because the last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban
he was almost impeached.
O'Riley walked into the bedroom to find his wife rolling in the hay with
another man.
"What in the name of St. Paddy is going on? Who is this man?"
His wife thought for a moment, then said, "That's a fair question."
She turned to the other man and asked, "What's your name?"
Q. What's a Mexican without a lawnmower?
A. Unemployed
Answer: A Cockrobin
Question: Batman, what are you putting in my mouth?
Little old Lady to Judge:
Your honor, I am 86 years old. So here I am, sitting there on my
front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes
creeping up on the porch and sits beside me. He starts to rub my
thigh, and it feels good, Your Honor. So I don't stop him, and he
begins to rub my old breasts. Why, Your Honor, I haven't felt that
good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him,
"Take me, young man, take me!"
That's when he yelled, "April Fools"
and that's when I shot the Son of a Bitch!
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town pub, where Mick bragged to Sean,
"You know, I had me every woman in this town,
except of course, me mother and me sister."
"Well", Sean replied, "between you and me, we got 'em all."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down
at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh God, no!" cries Brenda. "Please, don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband, Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
Well, no Brenda....no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
This boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out
together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the
wall and says to her,
"Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy???!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor . . ."
"At this time of the night no one will show up."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowjob . . . I know you like it too."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"Baby . . . don't be like that."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown
with hair a mess, rubbing her eyes and says . . .
"Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come down and
blow the guy himself, but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take
his hand off the intercom."
Q. What's three feet tall and gives good head?
A. Your kid
Q. What do you call a Englishman with 500 girlfriends?
A. A Shepherd.
Q. What's Ronald Reagan's favorite pickup line at the bar?
A. Do I come here often?
Q. Why did the LAPD leave the Dodgers' game early?
A. So they could beat the crowd.
A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know
how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his
underwear. She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says,
"You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace.
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby
son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can
have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from
surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
A woman gets on a bus, as she passes the driver he grabs his throat and
makes choking noises. The woman starts crying and hits the driver with her
purse. A few minutes later the buzzer goes off and the lady passes the
driver as she is getting off the bus.
The driver again grabs his throat and makes choking noises. The lady starts
crying and again hits the driver with her purse. A passenger sitting behind
the driver whose curiosity has gotten the better of him asked the driver,
"What is that all about?"
The driver replies, "Oh, her daughter hanged herself last night and
I'm just teasing her."
"I'm afraid I have some bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying,
and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten........," the doctor's voice trailed off.
"'Ten?' the man asks. "Ten what? Years? Months? Weeks? What?"
"Nine.......,"
Q: What's better than winning a Gold Medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being a retard.
Q: Did you hear about the new radion station called KPMS?
A: They play two weeks of love songs, one week of blues, and one week of ragtime.
Q: Did you hear about the new male hygiene deodorant called Umpire?
A: It gets rid of foul balls.
Q: What do you get when you cross Arnold Schwartzenegger with a Jew?
A: Conan the Wholesaler.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Communist with a lesbian?
A: Chelsea Clinton.
Q: What is the most tactless thing you can say to a woman in a mastectomy
clinic as you offer her some coffee to drink?
A: "One lump, or two?"
Q: What happened to the Jewish guy with a hardon who walked into the wall?
A: He broke his nose.
Q: What is the difference between an Italian and a monkey?
A: An Italian has more fleas.
A Jew and a Scotsman were having dinner together in a restaurant.
When the bill arrived, the Scotsman cheerfully said, "I'll be happy to
pay the entire bill."
The next day's newspaper headline read, "Jewish ventriloquist shot dead in restaurant."
Police report a large shipment of Viagra was stolen today.
They advise us to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.
Q: Hear about the new gay sitcom?
A: "Leave it, it's Beaver."
Q: How many surrealists does it take to replace a lightbulb?
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and one to load the brightly-colored
machine tools into the bathtub.
Q: What goes into thirteen twice?
A: Michael Jackson.
Q: What are they going to give Michael Jackson if he molests one more
small boy?
A: His own parish.
Q: What is black and has 12 green tits?
A: The garbage bag at a breast cancer clinic.
Q: What do they call an aborted fetus in Eastern Europe?
A: A cancelled Czech.
Q: What did the retard say to his barking dog?
A: "Down, Syndrome!"
Q: What is the recipe for genuine Mexican fajitas?
A: It starts out, "Steal two pounds of steak..."
Q: What does an Irishman do when he can't find his glasses?
A: Drink straight from the bottle.
Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: Gagged.
Q: What do you get when you goose a Mexican ghost?
A: A handfull of sheet.
Q: What is the difference between a counterfeit bill and an anorexic female?
A: The counterfeit bill is a phony buck.
Q: Did you hear about the new AIDS hospital in Atlanta?
A: It's called Sick Fags Over Georgia.
The altar boy went to confession and told the priest, "Father, I
have a confession to make. I let the other priest give me a blowjob."
"God will forgive you my, son, but first you must eat a whole lemon."
"What good will it do to eat a lemon?"
"It will wipe that disgusting grin off your face."
Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and baby stork.
The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him.
"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing
people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son
are sitting in the nest, ans the baby stork is crying again.
The mother
says, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's
bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their son
has been absent from the nest all night!
Shortly before dawn, he
returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the shit out of college
students!"
Q. Who ran the the first electronics shop?
A. Adam; he supplied a spare part for the first loudspeaker.
"Other than that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?
A man comes home chuckling, and says to his wife, "Get this, that
ridiculous janitor of ours claims he's made love to every woman in the
building except one."
"Hmmmmm," said the wife, looking thoughtfully off into space. "Must be
that stuck up Mrs. Fulbrook on the fourth floor."
Q. Do you know where you can find sympathy?
A. In the dictionary, somewhere between "shit" and "syphilis."
Q. Why is most American beer served cold?
A. To distinguish it from piss.
Q. Why do pedophiles love Halloween so much?
A. Free delivery.
Q. What goes "ooo, oooo, oooo?"
A. A cow with no lips.
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a
lawn mower.
Q. How does James Bond like his pussy?
A. Shaven, not furred.
Knock Knock...who's there?
Monica...Monica who?
Good job, Mr. President, just like we practiced...
Q. Did you hear about the Mexican college student?
A. Neither did I.
Larry walks into a pet store and says, "My dog ran away, so I need another one."
The store owner says, "You don't want a dog, too much hassle.
I've got the perfect thing for you...a toothless hamster."
Larry says, "Why would I want a a toothless hamster?"
The owner says, "Take out your prick and I'll show you."
Larry takes out his cock, the owner puts the hamster down by his
crotch, the hamster lunges out, locks
on, and gives Larry the best blow job he's ever had. Needless to
say, he buys it. He goes home, walks in
the door, and sets the hamster down on the kitchen floor.
His wife jumps up on a chair and screams, "Yikes! What the hell is that?"
Larry says, "Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the fuck out."
There was a young vampire called Mabel,
Whose periods were always quite stable...
At every full moon,
She took out a spoon,
And drank herself under the table.
A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening.
Before too long, the cops pull him over.The policeman walks up to the man
and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"
"No," replied, the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly
fat broad in the passenger seat that gave you away."
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